Rantglass - because that's how things are.

An email I received today...

An email I received today made me review my position in the board I joined in university. After thinking long and hard over it, I reaffirm the thoughts I had since the past few months.

I guess I was never born to be a leader.

I am so not used to having people looking up at me, waiting for my orders and actions. Not comfortable of having others looking and relying on me before proceeding with the work I am to assign to them. It made me feel insecure, in a way that I am afraid that I might fail to project the right and preferable example to them. In contrast, I perform well in doing the work someone would have laid out to me earlier. I do not feel like doing a lot of thinking for work these days. My mind has been whirling with so many things, so many thoughts, so many problems that somehow it felt as if it were to explode into a million bloody pieces anytime soon. I came to a conclusion – to resign from that position, and take a backseat. It has been affecting me in every way possible, although I do not really know why. Perhaps I am just another sore loser.

I then decided to take a break from all that thinking, and took a walk to the shopping centre near my house. It was troubling to note that I spent almost a full ten minutes trying to cross the road, looking at all the cars zooming up and down. I realised that I did not make a move to get to the other side although the road was safe and empty from vehicles, simply because I was still deep in my dark thoughts. I wonder if would there be some diners in the nearby mamak stalls pondering if I was a first-timer in crossing roads.

I pushed away the problems that returned to bug me while I was browsing in the bookstore, attempting to erase them off my mind for just a short while. I indulged myself in shopping for a gift for my brother and his new wife. It turned out to be such a relief to think of getting the perfect present for them that somehow, I contemplated resorting to going for a shopping trip the next time those gloomy thoughts are to come back to me.

So am I a leader, or a follower? I hope I am just an in-between. How about you?

Details of this entry.Friday, July 19, 2002, filed under Blogger Archives.
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