A whole day wasted. A red, swollen mosquito bite on my right elbow. And everything else is whirling, throbbing in my head.
While a friend’s assignment has been showered with lavish praises from the lecturers and her friends who often crowded around her to have a peek at her work, I was left in a dead lurch. Many times in our lifetime have we wished and hoped that the ground would just open up and swallow us whole, or to make ourselves melt into the shadows and be invisible. That was another one of those awkward situations, where I would try to suppress the jealousy that has mounted up deep within me.
It seems that with pride, there comes envy. I do admire her – a lot. For her generous friendship; for her innocent outlook in life; for her many efforts in improving herself. But of late, I have noticed that after consultation with the lecturers, she would return happily into her seat; and somehow seem to throw negative comments on others’ work, albeit in a joking sort of way. Could it be just me, being overly sensitive? Have I truly interpreted her actions wrongly? Or has she really changed, too?
What is it with me and jealousy? Is it just natural – or am I turning into a heartless bitch? Is something bad going to happen to me? Had written about it a last two months or so. We all have this evil trait in ourselves, yes. She has mentioned that she is jealous of my effective time management and proficiency in the English language, among others – but I have never been sure if she was telling the truth. Envy seems to be one heck of a dangerous cycle, affecting each and everyone of us, passing it on to the next person, spreading it like a disease, an epidemic which knows no bounds.
I hate jeopardising friendships. So far I have kept quiet – but I had thrown a vicious hint to her today, to which she had denied profusely – and to which I had felt that I should hang myself for spitting the words out. I am just afraid that there would come one day when I would not be able to take it all in anymore; break; explode; like a bomb waiting to detonate at the wrong place, at the wrong time. In fact, I already have an uneasy feeling that I will not be able to avoid all that.
So they say that everything happens for a reason. I wonder what this one may lead to.
Time to go to bed, perhaps.
On air now: Hey Man, Nice Shot, Filter (Short Bus, 1995)