Rantglass - because that's how things are.


Indecisive.

Indecisive.

Am I giving out the right vibes? Am I painting a fake picture for others to see? Am I being true to myself? Am I being me?

I find it fascinating that we cannot see ourselves. Not in the sense that you can only catch a fleeting glimpse of yourself when you are in front of the mirror, combing your hair furiously while rushing to catch the bus. Or even if you’re seated in front of the mirror for a full hour, trying desperately to cover up the angry red pimple on the tip of your nose by dabbing lots of foundation cream on it, failing to see another glaring pimple near your left ear.

That, is only the physical part of ourselves; the tip of the iceberg. Mirrors hold no secrets when it comes to that; except that it does not have the power to tell you of the information hidden within yourself. Your personality, your traits, your behaviour. What makes you, truly you.

Whenever someone says: “Only you will know yourself”, I always disagree silently. It almost always takes another person to tell you who you are. I find it hard to judge myself. However, once you have heard what others tell you about yourself, you should absorb, think, and ponder – because there is always some truth to their observation. It could also apply to your life in cyberspace. Your online life may not necessarily reflect yourself in real life. We may appear to be chatty people hiding behind the screens, clicking ‘Send’ on many messages and emails. Once meeting up, however, we may be reclusive, staying in absolute silence, wondering when it could all end.

Is there any difference between the person behind this very website, and her offline alter-ego – the solitary traveler taking small steps in real life? I asked a friend who knew both. She replied that I sounded a bit cranky in my entries here on Rantglass, but admitted that she does not know me enough to pass a judgement on my real-life personality. It was out of curiosity, and part of a self-evaluation that made me ask the question in the first place. Now that I think about it, it seemed that I truly must have sounded like a disturbed individual, bordering on depression and distress.

Not too long after that, I asked another friend who had been my roommate for two years: do I tend to get worried a lot? She replied with a resounding yes. I was a bit taken aback, and reminded her that she was the one who had described me as ‘cool’ as well. She agreed, saying that that was only on the exterior. I may look cool, calm, collected – but deep inside, I could be restless and troubled to bits by insignificant and petty things. But then again, she also mentioned that quite a handful of her friends have labeled me as ‘cute’ – and that, I find terribly amusing.

Upon knowing of these revelations, however, has made me feel afraid of myself – I am a ticking bomb, ready to explode anytime soon. However, I do not believe that the situation is that bad, because I certainly do not feel like it. Am I turning away from the truth, or am I really suffering from anxiety? I am thankful, however, for my friends’ honesty and sincerity, in telling me truthful answers. Because it really takes others to know the real you.

Do you have anything to say about me – be it good or bad? I promise, I will not bite.

On air now: Sit Down, Stand Up, Radiohead

Details of this entry.Wednesday, July 02, 2003, filed under Blogger Archives.
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