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Conflicted.

Never would I have imagined that I would one day be stuck in denial, a task so obviously menial.

Physically, I am nothing absolutely; mentally, I am everything agonising.

Because if the laws of attraction actually worked, I could have gone around the world twice and back again on a bicycle with a pet circus monkey suspiciously named Marcel for company, but no – all I have now is one giant leap backwards and an immensely sore spot forever etched into my life’s history. True; some stories cannot be erased, but it boggles the mind as to why one without any value whatsoever has chosen to stubbornly stay on anyway.

I can still bring to mind the jilted looks that crossed their features as they digested my unrehearsed but frank answers; the angelic patience of the woman driver of a black utility vehicle who waved me on at a pedestrian walk of a busy street; the shimmering heat from a late morning sun shining down on me and and my ever pounding heart. I remember them as clearly as if they were from yesterday, and not from over sixty days before.

There may come a time when you are made to sink to the very depths of your soul, just to see if you can climb right back out of it again – or to check if you still have one intact. Like a deep sea diver stranded in wide open waters, you can choose to either blissfully sink with the ghost treasure or willingly swim to the sharks, because happy endings can be white lies.

I am definitely a hundred times myself, and it sucks, because I thought I could be better than this.

Details of this entry.Tuesday, July 09, 2013, filed under Personal.
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